My title has come about thanks to the Bon Jovi song, off his ‘Crush’ album; that I am currently trying to blow my car speakers with.

It’s my life, and a very complicated one that only a few true close friends know what I ACTUALLY have going on in my life, and after yesterday, I’m now tired of faking a smile and dodging questions that shouldn’t be asked or commented on.

So; I’m Laura, 32 year old certified crazy cat lady (I swear I was a cat in a previous life), only child, ex biker, tattoo and tea addict (HAS to be PG tips), never quite outgrew the ‘horse mad’ stage (and have owned my own horses), have an ex husband who (as far as i’m aware) is in Plymouth, have started doing Burlesque chair dance classes (bruises galore alert) and I help care for 2 members of my family who have cancer….

Ah, ‘that’ word, the big C word; yep and I live with it EVERY DAY!

I see its effects first hand every day; I  help do the trips to the 2 main hospitals to take those two family members to various appointments with consultants or scans and hear the outcome, I help lay out the medications they need to take; from chemo tablets to try to make the cancer dormant, to Ketamine to keep the pain at bay. There is no ‘fix’ or removal of the cancers that my family members have.

One of the cancers is a blood cancer, Myeloma; that because it was left undiagnosed by useless GPs and Nurses (a simple blood test would have shown big red flags!) has damaged that persons kidneys; meaning she has to have dialysis 3 times a week, whether she wants to or not, there’s no choice.

So when It gets ‘joked’ about at work that I’ve had yet another days annual leave, or I’m hardly ever at work; well I wish I was having a nice jolly day off, instead of being stuck in whatever hospital I am, with which ever family member i’m supporting for that appointment; putting a brave face on and making small talk to pass the hours while we wait to be called in.

It is the main reason I didn’t fight for my marriage like I could have;  I wanted to be back here, helping care for MY family in whatever way I can, while I can. We are a close-knit family, I play a small part in the grand scheme of things, but those small parts help. It gives other family members a day off, a break, a chance to sit down and have a cuppa and rest for 5 minutes.

I’ve not posted this so I get an out pouring of sympathy; me and my family don’t do feeling sorry; we will have a cry, quite possibly a swear word or 2 and feel like we want to kick something (or someone) HARD! and then get on with it; life goes on, it hasn’t stopped- it’s just thrown another obstacle to battle over and remind us we are stronger than we think, even if we feel broken, it won’t feel like It forever.

I’ve posted this as maybe it will help people think before they open their mouth and make another tiresome comment, make them think if they need to say ANYTHING other than: ‘Hey, do you want a cuppa?’

 

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