So the last week has been a tough one; but my amazing friends, family and work colleagues got me through it, and made me see that I’m just bruised, not broken and that I am going in the right direction and doing the right things, how I feel is normal; the thoughts I think are all part of the healing process and rediscovering and rebuilding me.
This week also opened up dialogue between me and my mum about what actually happened Boxing day; and the days leading up to it and that has been a huge step and emotional process for me, even now it makes me break in tears- despite how far I’ve come since then, because the outcome could have been so different.
Me and the ex had been rocky since Dec 2015; his behaviour and mental health declined rapidly from then on and by Oct 2016 we were really struggling. We limped into Dec and his behaviour in the run up to Christmas was appalling, I worn down & just wanted to go home and a have happy, Family Christmas with my family. We had agreed that I would go and spend part of Christmas/New year with him & his family, this was agreed by me with gritted teeth as I didn’t/don’t get on with his family but thought maybe this was what our marriage needed- me to show willing to keep trying with them.
Christmas eve it all fell apart; a phone call to his dad to organise our visit there, ended with my ex and his dad screaming abuse at each other, as his dad had “got his dates mixed up” and had made plans for us there, but for when we’d be seeing my family, and so wouldn’t be around when we had originally planned to go see them, this led to him demanding that we change our plans to suit him as we always put my family first….. well yes we did, as it was my family that have supported me and my ex from day one; mentally, physically and financially and also who two of my family are on palliative care; so I treasured any time I could get with them, also my family was on the way to my exes family, so it made sense to stop there first!
The rest of Christmas eve and Christmas day was awful, the ex was like a bear with a sore head; he didn’t hear a peep from his ‘wonderful’ father on Christmas day- not even a text, so when on the way up to my family on Boxing day, his dads texts my ex and ‘apologies’, i’m meant to accept that and play happy families? Well I didn’t, I told my ex that he could go see his family and I wouldn’t be joining him, i’d had enough of his dads selfish behaviour and toy throwing and wanted no more to do with it; that I was not going to accept a half arsed text apology; as it wasn’t the first time he had done this.
Well the drive to Plymouth to Northants is a long drive; it’s even longer when you have husband ranting at you for 4hrs about how awful a person you are; how selfish you are, how much of an embarrassment you are, how you’ve let them down/shown them up again. By the time we got to one of my family members houses i’d had enough, my ears were ringing, i was tired, hungry and just wanted to see my family; & so i snapped- i yanked my wedding ring and engagement ring off ,threw them in the car and told him to go- i didn’t care where, preferably to his ‘wonderful’ family that he’d spent the last 4hrs lecturing me about. Cue him storming off to my parents and playing the hurt party; telling them i had lost it and he’d done nothing This led to a huge row at my parents; where my mum called me a b*tch and told me to get out. I can still feel the shock now, me and my mum have never fought like that, and the smug look on his face as i turned to go- i did throw in that he’d got what he’d wanted; he had admitted he was jealous of me and how close i was to my family & vice versa and now he’d destroyed that bond in one night.
I can’t thank my cousin enough for taking me in that night, she’s 10 years younger than me and the most ditzy person i know; but she was my rock that night and over the next few days. She made me endless cups of tea, lent me her her pj’s as i’d fled to hers with only a few basics, but more importantly she kept me safe and sane. She helped me patch things up with my parents and encouraged me to go to theirs and fix things; not run back to Plymouth like i felt i should.
My mum has said now she can see why I was (in her words) so deranged that Boxing day night, and wished i’d told her sooner how bad things were; but I don’t think I knew myself, I think I’d just become so conditioned and worn down by him that I was numb to it all; accepting that I was the issue and I was blowing small things out of proportion when the truth was he was the one with the issues and knew how to the manipulate the situations to make it seem I was the bad one.
This is another wound stitched and to be healed over; it will fade to a bruise; because I said- i’m bruised, not broken, and i’m loved- truly loved, wanted and supported by friends and family,