They say time flies when you’re having fun; and also that time is a great healer, and If those two sayings are true, then they apply to me & these past few months.
May is drawing to an end and June is rapidly approaching; it will soon have been a full 5 months since my husband walked out of my life and our marriage without a backwards glance or thought for the damage he could have caused; but that damage turned out to be ripples, not waves.
I can’t quite believe nearly 5 months have passed since the night he walked out; where has that time gone? I know for certain it hasn’t dragged!
I haven’t thrown myself into things and tried to bury my head in the sand, nor have I been out partying and throwing myself at any guy who catches my eye (apart from the failed ‘date’ that I will write about soon as promised). I haven’t shut myself away and moped for what was but have grieved as and when I’ve needed to.
So in 5 months; I’ve gained myself a new job (4 months in to it now & enjoy it), a new car (the old one was scrapped), I’ve lost weight from being more active and eating better, I’ve re-connected with old friends and made new supportive ones, I’ve spent a weekend alone in Norfolk; visiting places and people I love and hadn’t seen for years. I’ve developed a love for Irregular Choice shoes and pretty dresses, I’m organising nights out with friends, family and work colleagues & am planning another weekend to Norfolk for a friend’s birthday and a day trip to Bath.
I sing along to the radio at home and in the car, I enjoy driving again, I laugh, I smile and I realise how closed down I had become. I still have the odd tearful moment, but that’s mostly hormones and because I miss my friends in Plymouth & my cats, I don’t miss my ex; looking back things slid downhill after the first 9months together and never recovered, but by that point it was too late; I had moved to Plymouth, was engaged and had a wedding planned. I guess I believed being married would somehow fix all the problems; that he would grow up and become a man, that the drinking would stop.
I’ve changed my name via deed poll back to my maiden name, I sold my rings, I’ve deleted wedding photos and kept a few in an album, locked away. I’m doing all I need to heal myself. I do sometimes think about the divorce part of all this; in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t affect me staying ‘married’ to the ex, I have no overwhelming desire to rush out and meet someone else, I don’t want children and so I sit on the fence on that final decision; yes I wasn’t happy but he was the one who walked out, I still loved him up until that point and hoped he’d go back to that cheeky charming Northerner that I’d fallen for, but he’s showed another ugly side that will never go and dragged me down with it.
I’m surrounded my family who love and support me, I have a secure roof over my head and friends who I can lean on when needed. In short; I’m happy, and living the life I should have been. It’s not been an easy path getting here, but I’ve got this.